Is It Abuse??

[NiftyWings]

Being in social services for so many years, and a survivor of childhood abuse and domestic violence, I've learned a lot about abusive relationships. One of the most important lessons was that we often don't realize when we are being mistreated. We feel horrible, and don't know why. I've met women who had brain damage from being thrown to the floor and repeatedly kicked in the head, but still didn't realize that they had experienced "domestic violence". While the holiday season is generally considered to be a time of joy and good cheer ~Fa La La La La~ , it also brings a lot of stress. This stress can cause already dysfunctional relationships to become even more volatile.

This information I'm posting lists all sorts of situations and behaviors that are abusive, or "red flags" that abuse is likely to happen. Regardless of your gender, if you go through this list and find things that are going on in your family or between you and your partner, please do whatever's needed to keep yourself safe, healthy and happy.


RECOGNIZING THE SIGNS OF ABUSE (mental, psychological and physical)

PHYSICAL
Does your partner ever shove, hit, choke, slap, or otherwise physically hurt you?

Has he/she ever restrained you against your will, locked you in a room, or used a weapon of any kind?

Are you afraid of your partner?

SEXUAL
Rape, forced sexual acts, and other forms of sexual manipulation are not part of normal relationships.

Battering is not acceptable.

Does your partner ever ignore your wishes or pressure you?

Has he/she ever violated your limits?

Do you feel trapped in a specific role?

Does your partner constantly criticize your performance, withhold things (including sex) as a means of control, or ridicule you?

Do you feel obliged to have sex?

Does your partner use sex to make up after a violent incident?

ISOLATION
Does your partner isolate you or attempt to isolate you, from friends, family, or groups?

PROPERTY
Has your partner ever destroyed objects or threatened pets, friends, family or you?

ECONOMIC
Does your partner limit your access to work or to material resources?

Does you partner insist on having control over finances?

Has your partner ever stolen or run up debts?

EMOTIONAL/PSYCHOLOGICAL
Are you or your partner emotionally dependent on one another?

Are you confused about your partner's mental and psychological stability?

Does your relationship swing back and forth between a lot of emotional distance and being very close?

Is your partner constantly criticizing you, humiliating you, and generally undermining your self-esteem?

Does your partner use inappropriate times and places to express/cover up anger and frustration?

Do you feel you can't discuss with your partner what is bothering you?

SOME BEHAVIORAL SIGNS TO WATCH FOR

“Jeckel and Hyde” behavior: Your partner is wonderful and caring for a while and then will do an about face and be angry about things that they thought were fine at an earlier time. They switch back and forth between behaviors for no apparent reason.

“Life would be so Good If”: You frequently think that your relationship would be perfect if not for his or her emotional storms. The storms seem to be coming more and more frequently. Between times, life is wonderful, but when a storm is coming you can often tell by that 'Walking on Eggs Feeling'.

That “Walking On Eggs” Feeling: You feel at times that any action on your part will cause your partner to erupt into anger. You try to do everything you can think of to avoid it, but the longer the feeling goes on, the more likely the blowup will happen, no matter what you do.

“I Can't Stand You, But You Better Not Leave”: Your partner keeps telling you that you aren't worth having a relationship with, but will not consider breaking off the relationship. Acts more outrageously when he or she finds out you are attempting to leave the relationship.

“It's You That's the Problem”: Your partner never seems to consider his or her own part in your domestic disputes. You get blamed for all problems because of the most ridiculous things.

“This Happened to Me and It's All Your Fault”: You are blamed for your partners problems even when it was his or her responsibility to not make mistakes. This could be things like him or her not getting to work on time and getting in trouble, not getting a job, not paying the bills in a timely manner, etc.

“It's Their Fault”: Your partner is never the cause of his own problems. If it's not your fault, it was somebody else's.

Overreacting: Your partner way overreacts to little irritations. Small offenses like leaving the cap off the toothpaste cause him or her to have huge anger scenes or act out in an outrageous manner.

“I Will Get You for That”: Your partner doesn't try to negotiate a better relationship, but retaliates by doing something to you that he or she knows will hurt you emotionally.

“All the Fights are about What I Do Wrong”: You never seem to be able to talk about his or her wrong actions. The discussion seems to always be about what you did wrong and there seems to be always something new that you did wrong.

“You are Worthless”: Your partner keeps telling you that all your problems are because you can't manage to do anything right.

Unrealistic Expectations: Your partner is dependent on you for all his/her needs and expects you to be the perfect mate, lover and friend. You are expected to meet all of his/her needs.

Blames Others for His/Her Feelings: You are told, "You make me mad", "You're hurting me by not doing what I ask”, or "I can't help being angry".

Intense Jealousy: Your partner tells you that expressing jealousy is a sign of love. Jealousy is a sign of insecurity not love. You are questioned about who you talk to and you may frequently receive calls or unexpected visits during the day.

Isolation: He or she has attempted to cut off your family, friends, and independent financial resources. Your friends and family are put down and you are put down for socializing with them. You or they are accused of ridiculous motives.


Love vs. Abuse

Love is always consensual. Abuse is not.

Lovers plan their activities to minimize the risks to one another's physical and emotional well-being. Abusers do not.

Love and play can enhance the relationship between two. Abuse cannot.

Love can be shown openly in front of anyone. Abuse needs isolation and secrecy.

Love follows safe and sane guidelines. Abuse lacks such rules.

In a loving relationship, the partners are able to keep their emotions under control. An abuser's emotions are out of control.

Loving partners do not feel that they have the right, for any reason, to control the behavior of their partners. Abusers often do.

WARNING SIGNS
The more of the following that are present in your relationship, the more likely that it will become, or is already, abusive:

Excessive alcohol or drug usage. Changes in habits and behaviors, such as drinking, gambling, staying out/away.

Isolation, decreased contact with friends or family members. For many years I have had a saying: "If it (the relationship) is going to go bad, it usually goes bad in isolation." They may know that outside resources discuss safety, consensuality, negotiation, ethics -- and your hearing that would reveal their abusiveness.

Unemployment and/or severe money problems.

Strong feelings of jealousy or possessiveness. Unwarranted suspicions of flirting or arranging secret meetings.

A history of violent confrontations with friends, family members, co-workers, or others.

A family history of being battered or other violence. (Abuse is, to a large degree, learned behavior. They had to learn it somewhere.)

Dealing with relationship problems by issuing threats or ultimatums about what will happen if a perceived problem arises again.

Hurtful verbal abuse taking place on an uncomfortably frequent basis -- especially if it's not balanced by a lot of affection and support. Examples may include sarcasm, pointed "interrogation" of motives or behavior, belittling in front of others, frequent "teasing", or "playful" insults.

Violence toward furniture or other belongings. This is a major red flag. If objects are being damaged during a blow-up, people may be damaged during the next one.

The Cycle of Violence.

A basic truth of abusive relationships is that the abuse usually escalates in what authorities call "the cycle of violence." Emotions reach the boiling point and abuse happens.

Following the abuse, the abuser often feels genuinely sorry and asks for forgiveness. This request is often accompanied by promises to change. Unfortunately, the abuser is not usually able to change without outside help.

Abusive incidents are often followed by a "honeymoon period" of relative happiness. Unfortunately, the stresses that led to the original abuse are usually still present, and tensions again slowly build. Before too long, abuse occurs again.

A major point is that abusive incidents usually become more severe, and the time between the incidents usually becomes shorter. Eventually major destruction, even the death of the abused and/or the abuser, will take place.

The cycle of violence must be broken as early as possible. The key to breaking the cycle is simple: Get outside help! A third party must become involved, and both parties must know that.

This third party should be someone with professional training in dealing with abuse, such as a physician, psychotherapist, or religious counselor. (Note: Some professionals are better than others at dealing with abuse, so finding effective help may involve contacting more than one person.)

The people involved must not fool themselves into thinking that a pattern of abusive behavior is something they can solve between themselves. In particular, victims and abusers must not kid themselves that "better behavior" on the victim's part will prevent further abuse.

If more than one abusive incident has occurred, it's time to get outside help. If even one incident occurs involving any physical injury, it's time to call the police.

One positive note: Abuse is learned behavior much more than most people think it is. An abuser is not necessarily evil or weak, but they need to see that their abusive behavior is harming their relationships and driving people away. It helps to view the abuser as someone who needs to learn alternative ways of effectively dealing with frustration and anger.

All communities have resources available to help both abusers and their victims. Your telephone book, particularly the front section of the white pages, lists local resources. If you are receiving any kind of public assistance, ask your caseworker to assist you in finding help.

For additional help contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at (800) 799-SAFE (799-7233).

In Yolo County, contact the Sexual Assault and Domestic Violence Center:

Business Line 530-661-6336
Crisis Line 530-662-1133 (Woodland/Davis)
916-371-1907 (W. Sacramento)

[WitchJezebel]

Wow NW, so much information, thanks for posting it. I was in an abusive relationship when I was 20 and it took me a long time to understand that the signs were all there, I just didn't recognize them. I hope this helps anyone who may need it.

[LadyAutumnCat]

Thanks for posting this. I was in an emotionally abusive relationship for years. I didn't acknowledge it til a few months ago. I guess I just figured that because he wasn't hitting me or hurting me physically that it was all in my mind and probably my fault anyway. I've realized that abuse comes in many different forms and they are all just as insidious and debilitating.

I still can't clearly explain how my ex did it, but he did. Even something that he screwed up or did was turned around and blamed on me. When he felt bad he had to make me seem like the one to blame. Even money was an issue, he made 4 times what I made in a year and he withheld money even when we lived together while asking to "borrow" mine all the time. Then he would belittle my job and sometimes jobs!

I don't think I'll be doing anything like that again.

Anyhow, thank you again Nifty. I hope that everyone here learns from what you've posted and that they are able to get out if they are in an abusive relationship. It's not worth it to stay, you are worth more than you know!

[MysticWitch]

Its wonderful that there is so much help out there for battered women. Its just a shame that there isnt more out reach to teach these abusive men and women to help them change.

[Merrilyn]

Awesome post, NW. There is someone I would like to pass this on to. Maybe, just maybe, it'll set off a lightbulb.

[covenofkeys]

hmmm. ~Continues her packing~

[Brightshores]

Thanks for posting this - I'm not in an abusive relationship, but I know lots of people who have experienced this.. thank you so much for reaching out and helping the silent suffering people who are reading this.

[shuvanilu]

Thank you for posting this.---shuvanilu

[MankyCat]

Great post. It's the type I wished I had read years ago.

Too bad that the people who typically need to read these things the most are the ones that are most likely to disregard them.

But when they are ready... these types of things are so important. Thank you for posting it.

[debnmike]

Ya know Nifty, I remember years ago watching some ridiculous talk show that had battered women and their husbands on. The women kept saying "But I love him!" and I sat there thinking "Man, you are an idiot---just leave him".

Well, it was such a glass house I lived in. I read that entire list twice smiling to myself because that list was my life. I wasn't smiling because it was funny (believe me----soooo not funny), but that even though deep down I knew I was in an awful relationship I couldn't possibly be like those women, right? I mean, he didn't hit me that often. We lived in a beautiful house, had 2 kids, a kick ass income...the whole shebang. Of COURSE I wasn't like them! In truth, it was *me* who was the idiot judging those women simply because I refused to acknowledge the truth about my own situation.

I think it's fabulous you posted this. Hopefully someone logs on here (or even finds it by accident) and gets some help. You very well may have just changed someones life. Maybe even saved it. Bravo.